Filed under: things of the heart
Who killed Jesus? Some say the Jews. Some say the Gentiles. Some would say God. Others would say, quite simply, “me.”
I simply ask myself this:
If it were me – sitting at the table that evening, standing in the garden that night, watching in the court room that day – would I be crying “Crucify him!” or would I be begging for him to be let go? Would my response differ based on my race or status? or if I had sat at his feet and heard him speak?
I think after all my ponderings, my answer is: love killed Jesus.
God gave us free will. The ability to choose good (God) or to choose evil (the lust, the flesh and the pride of life). God is relational. In the beginning he said “Let us make man in our image.” (Gen 1.26) Eternal triune God chose to make man, to be in relationship (if to create man “in our image” implies that, though being of one mind, the trinity was in fellowship and man was created to be in fellowship – relationship – too). To be in fellowship with anyone or anything is to make choices. To be able to choose good also leaves open the choice of choosing the bad.
Filed under: Uncategorized
I’m sitting at work and the boys are eating lunch. I cherish these little glimpses of peace in the middle of the craziness that is the school day.
Today we made pumpkin pie and now it sits on the top of the oven cooling. They are doing a course called homelife and it was one of the assignments that they could choose from to do. I chose this one for them – and I think I chose well. It was fun to get all three boys working on the project together. They had so much fun.
It’s been nice because we’ve been talking about creation in Bible lately. Today we looked at Adam and Eve getting kicked out of the garden – but I’ve regressed. They have had lots of questions about creating things and how God could have thought “it was good.”
So we mix all the ingredients, avoid a few blow ups, and eventually pulled the pie out of the oven. The first words out of their mouths was “it is good.” They all had this gleam in their eyes that showed how proud they were of their work.
I think they got it – how God could be proud of what He had made.
I can’t wait to get pictures of them tasting the pie with the homemade whipped cream I made them.
I’m proud of them. Not many 6,7 and 11 year olds can say they made a pie by themselves. (Well, except for the using the oven part.)
Filed under: Uncategorized
I have been quiet lately on line – the computer is DEAD and I have to use the computer at the coffee shop or my roommates to get on line.
That being said, life is good-ish.
God is doing so much in my heart. The deep well of pain that I have kept hidden for so long is coming to light. I have been provided a great mentor to walk through all this with me. In fact I wrote in my journal a few weeks ago several painful things that I wasn’t even aware was in my heart. My faith is being shaken – in a good way. God is taking the false foundations that I’ve based my life on and crushing them. And in the midst of the pain of that He is replacing them with new firm foundations.
I have based my faith on the fact that God is good. That is true. But I’ve denied how mad I’ve been at Him for the things that have happened in my past – things that have made me see him as angry and permissive of sin. And now He is shaking me. I am seeing my own bareness and depravity, my own pain and sadness, my own weakness, and He is showing me His riches and goodness, His healing and joy, His strength.
So today I hold my head a little higher. I work a little harder. I laugh a little louder. I forgive a little easier. I sing a little more freely.
Oh, I’m getting rooted in the word of God. It hurts but it feels so good. It’s such a sweet pain to know my God.
The hardest part is now I can’t sit by and passively let other people around me live in sin. Last night I got to tell someone exactly how deeply she hurt me with her actions and rebuke her – and speak truth to her. It was hard to do – to rebuke someone with so much love in my heart. When she complained I was being too stern with her I had to liken it to a parent. A parent isn’t all fun and games, they are stern from time to time, and in it all they still love their children. That’s how we are to be in the body of Christ. Stern from time to time. Stern to call people from darkness to light. Gentle to nurture them back to spiritual health once they have received correction.
Oh, its been a crazy time.
Last night I had a beautiful dream. It wasn’t beautiful for the content. It was beautiful for the way it affirmed something deep down inside. In the dream I was sitting in a room waiting for someone. When she came in the door she asked me a question. She asked me what my weight was. I answered her honestly. Her next question was if I was happy with myself and I answered yes.
Then she asked me, “Isn’t better to be this beautiful tragedy than to be a terrible mess?”
I woke up reminding myself that I am a beautiful tragedy.
Filed under: Uncategorized
One of my friends is in Australia, at Hillsong. Today she sent me this video of her singing. I admit it, I cried when I heard her voice. Back when we were teenagers at good ole’ Word of Life, she was one of the worship leaders. I would constantly forget that she was younger than I because her voice always sounded older than her age. Her voice has matured greatly since then.
She’s the one on the right with the blue guitar. 
Side note: I miss my friends from back home something fierce right now. I think its all the uncertainty in my life right now that is rearing its ugly head.
Filed under: Uncategorized
That’s where I’m located right now. Everything is changing. I got kicked out of the house that I’ve been living in for a year about 3 weeks ago – well, I got notice I had to move and 2 free weeks of rent. I’m moved into a townhouse with Clair and Deborah moves in soon. Allison may move into our basement. I’m still job hunting and its getting really frustrating. We pick up our furniture from its original owners this afternoon/evening. Grrr…
I don’t know what is going on to tell the truth.
I just keep seeing God’s faithfulness. It is blowing me away. A friend loaning the things I need to finish furnishing the house, someone who listens as I cry and melt down in front of Higher Grounds, someone who comes to help me pack, someone who comes to help me unpack, people I support understanding that I really can’t support them right now because my head is barely sitting above the water – these are all examples of God’s faithfulness right now.
If I ever pass through your mind, send a little prayer off for me. I need all the prayers I can get.
Filed under: Uncategorized
So, I’m moving (not away for good ole’ KC).
I’m moving into a townhouse.
It has two stories and I think its cool.
I have to pack today and change bed rooms (the room I’m in is already rented out).
Anyone who is available to help pack books into boxes and wash clothes and move furniture, let me know.
I will pay you in food.
*****Please bear with this till the end. A lot has been going on in the personal arena so I haven’t written in ages. If I don’t have something good – or at least focusing on God – to say, then I prefer to say nothing at all. This is an excerpt from my journal tonight as I prayed and asked the Lord for wisdom.*****
I can look at this situation I’m in and see the bad or I can see the good. Jesus told us in Matthew 5 “Blessed are you when theyrevile you and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you….” and somewhere else he tells us to pray for and bless those who hurt us.
Persecution hurts. I hate to say it, but I expect persecution – even being walked all over – from those outside the church. Its a real (proverbial) slap in the face when persecution comes from withing the church. If one instance of persecution inside the church is a slap, then I feel like I’m beat black and blue. I’ve turned the other cheek so many times I’ve got broken teeth.
But yet my heart brims with love for this person. I am angry to be sure. I want to strike back at them. I want to scream and tear into them, but I’m chosing to bless. I know its done roboticly right now, but I know it will come from the heart as I trust God and pray for God’s grace to fall on them.
I don’t have it in me to be negative. I have bigger battles to fight. I have better things to do than to slander another Christian. I can’t even understand why this is happening, but I can trust God will bring this to be for me good.
I’m sitting here, looking at my dirty house and feeling kind of let down emotionally. Liz was in town from Shreveport for a few days and left really early this morning. I loved being around her. We just hung out, went out to Westport, ate dinner with a bunch of my friends (twice), went to the prayer room, drank coffee, etc. for three days. It just felt so good to hang out with her for awhile. The highlight of the whole weekend was when she borrowed Amanda’s keyboard and played “Champion,” a worship song by a girl named Lindi at her church. I hope she can come back down here on her way home from Chicago.
Friendship is an amazing thing. How you can not see each other for months and pick right back up where you left off. It just feels so good – and it is so hard when that person leaves again.
I’m not usually homesick for Louisiana. In fact, I feel that Kansas City is home more than “home” is. I just get really homesick for the people. I love my friends and family. I hate my home town, most of the time.
Oh, there is so much going on in my heart right now. I want out of the emotional turmoil. Eeks…
I think its time to go think and pray.
Filed under: changes, friends, life, nightwatch, prayer room, things of the heart
I’ve really been in the process of processing a lot of things lately. So much has been on my mind. So many changes in so little time. So many questions asked and so much to think about. So many new people in my life. So many boundaries to explore and set into place. So much to lean on the Lord for in this time.
I’ve been in a lot of pain lately. I’ve been sitting in the healing chairs during the NightWatch. I really think I pinched my nerve in my hip a couple weeks back. I’ll be making an appointment at the chiropractor soon. Tiffany said she knew of one that is licensed and inexpensive. Needless to say, the pain I’m in has affected some of my interactions with people. It comes and goes, but it sure does hurt.
Pure Heart is bringing up a lot of my issues and forcing me to deal with them. This upcoming week we discuss femininity I think – I’m doing my homework tonight and tomorrow in the prayer room. I really do look forward to those three hours of teaching, prayer, and small group each Tuesday right now. Next fall I’m going to do another program with the same department. One of my roommates is seeing the effects of the class on me – she says I am putting up better boundaries around the house and that is awesome to hear from someone who isn’t in group with me.
I am struggling, but I’m asking for and receiving the help I need. It is such a slow process, but totally worth it in all its difficulty.
The transition to nights is hard on my body – I made it to about 2 in the prayer room last night and crashed around 3 at home. I feel the shift in all my daily patterns today. I wanted to be active but was so tired because of the sheer exhaustion of changing patterns. I’m sleepy now.
I think I’m going to go lay down for about half an hour before NightWatch Meeting and then head up to the Prayer Room to get my iPod back from Mickey (Michelle).
Life is good. In all its struggles it is good.
