Pick up a roadmap, you’re going to need it…

my heart is filled with anticipation. soon i leave for the onething conference in kansas city. i’ll be gone for a few days, and i am so excited. i miss my friends up there and i’ve heard that gabe is in town already. the van leaves at 4 tomorrow morning from christian center. i talked with erica today and her youth groups plane leaves at six am.

its that time of year again. we all converge on one city to pray in the new year and enjoy ourselves in the pressence of god. i feel blessed to be going. (and i can’t forget the fact that i am so looking forward to coffee from higher ground - and music to buy that people that i know have written.)

well, i must run now. ive been up for about 19 hours and i have so much left to do. this coffee break care of pjs was wonderful. but i still have two stores and two houses to visit before i sleep. (plus packing and cleaning.)

I made a list when I got home from Kansas City. The list was of things I wanted before going back to finish Fire in the Night. They went from the every day (some new clothes) to the extremely unlikely (an mp3 player and a laptop). Today I sat down and looked at the list. There are very few items left on it that aren’t checked off. Today for Christmas I got a laptop. I love it. Its not a whole lot, but its more than what I need. For this I am so thankful. God has been gracious to me.

If I were normal I would be asleep right now. I napped a little from about midnight to about 430, but now I’m wide awake and thinking. My dad left home early today, I think he’s going hunting, and my mom and brother are fast asleep. My mom earned it for sure, she stayed up for 26 hours before falling asleep yesterday evening and my brother just finished his semester up at NSU.

Tears press at the corners of my eyes as I contemplate how good the Lord has been to me. The more I think, the more I realize that I am created for worship - that I am created for communion with the Lord Most High. I don’t know all the answers, but I know the Author of Creation. I’m sure He has the ansers I seek so earnestly. Lately I have felt the call to pray so strongly. I wake up at random hours after working all night with someone or something on my mind - and I have to pray before my body and my mind will let me sleep again. How I miss the sweet hours of prayer between midnight and six in the morning. Oh how my heart cries out for a return to the life of prayer and fasting in an environment dedicated to just that. Even though I am not in that type of environment, the Lord has blessed me with great Christian friends here in Louisiana. Friends I can go cry to, talk to, and hang out with. Friends who see me at my worst and love me like I’m at my best.

What have I done to deserve these blessings? I have no idea why the Lord would see fit to fill my heart with such desires and my life with so many blessings. I want to shout the words of the prophet who said “Woe is me, for I am a man of unclean lips,” for so I, a girl of unclean lips in an unclean world, yet loved and blessed by the Creator. Oh, my self made righteousness that is as filthy rags before the Lord is no more as he dresses me in white linen, clean and bright.

I am as the traveler in the desert, thirsty for drink of water. I seek the fount of water that never runs dry. I am as the begger, begging for my next bite. I cry out “Jesus of Nazareth, feed me, for I am faint for you.” I know He is the one source for me.

Oh, my heart’s cry is for more of the Lord. I want to know His fullness. I want to know His glory. I want to behold Him in His beauty. This cry of my heart will lead me to places I have never known. Where will this journey of the heart lead me?

I know that sounds weird, but I forgot how wonderful I feel when I sleep all day and work all night. Yes, this kills the social life - it’s hard to go the church or cell group - but I’m awake and happy. I love the people I work with on the night shift - they make me laugh. (Hey FITN peoples, they remind me of you guys - I never know what they are going to say or do.) I also have time at night to read a good study book ( I just finished _The Case for Faith_) or even study the Bible. Spiritually I feel more alive than I have felt in months. WOW!

I’m excited Onething is coming fast. The only thing I’m dreading about the trip is coming home. I wish I had a few more days to spend with my friends and in the prayer room that aren’t conference days. It’s ok though, after the conference, only three months left till I’m up there for 3 more months (or will it be for a longer season?) I miss the way of life at IHOP - esp the way of life with the NightWatch.

The Lord is really speaking to me about trust and faith lately. I have some big trust issues and they rear their ugly heads when it comes to my relationship with the Lord. I am afraid to trust Him, even though I know His ways are perfect. The thing that He’s really showing me about faith is that it’s ok to wrestle with Him, to wonder and ask questions, to cry and beat my fist on my pillows, to say “no” that I don’t want what He’s giving me and then to turn around and say “yes.” What is that Stuart would always say to us interns? “Everyone is entitled to their ten minutes of Kung foo fighting.” I’ve definately been kung foo fighting, but those days are almost over.

I’m giving myself till Onething to make some choices, and then it’s going to be time to live with them.

Well, my 20 minutes online are quickly dwindling. I need to go get ready for work. I have to stop and get food on the way to work and get a new book to read. I have _Evidential Power of Beauty_ but that one’s gonna be too hard to concentrate on at work with all the interuptions that are phone calls.

For the last few days I just haven’t felt real social. I’ve also been kind of teary eyed every time I am by myself. Last night I talked to one of the girls from IHOP. We have had some text message conversations in the last few weeks, but we hadn’t talked since I visited in August. I admit I was crying when she called, she thought she had woke me up because of that, but she didn’t. I told her some of the things that are going on in my heart, and then apologized for not being very positive and being all teary eyed on her. The she told me the sweetest thing anyone had told me all week - no advice, no words of wisdom - just an “I’ll pray for you tonight” and “it’s ok to not be positive, you’re wrestling.” The only advice that she gave me was to saty in the Word and not give up on some certain things. We talked a little about the forerunner calling and then she had to get off the phone. It was midnight and her Sacred Trust was begining.

Strangely, in all the conversations I’ve had all week, her’s was the one I walked away from with some peace. Someone actually gave me permission to wrestle and think and pray on something, without the “don’t worry about it, God will do it if its supposed to happen”

Thanks Katie P.

Strangely, I feel, strangely.

I feel like a fish who has outgrown its tank. One that is gasping for its next breath. One confined to the fish bowl after it has swam in the ocean. On the edge of dying somewhere deep inside. Oh, shall I stay this way I shall live, but part of me shall die.

Strangely, I feel, strangely.

I feel like a stranger without access to her homeland. Trapped in a maze that edges on where she belongs and where she is afraid to leave. Oh the burdens I carry are heavy. To journey to the land I belong would entail putting them down - for they are not allowed within her borders - but i do not wish to lose them for they are as familiar as old friends.

Strangely, I feel, strangely.

Peace is elusive. How I crave it in this storm, but it terrifies me. To know the peace, I must stand in the storm.

Strangely, I feel, strangely.

I am agry and confused - with no one else than me. I wrestle with this calling on my life, while on the outside I put on a face that I am content with this lot. Why do I fight it? I know I was created so Eternity can be written on my heart - why do I avoid it?

Oh, why am I so stubborn?

Oh, how can I resist?

I’m on a plane flying along and I’m gonna end up on the ground eventually. The question is: do I brave the jump and skydive to the ground? or do I just ride the plane back down? Both options end at the same place, the difference is in the journey.

This placid pond does not answer the need in my soul. It is not large enough to contain me. Oh, how I crave the raging river. I am so afraid though to journey it. Oh how I crave the ocean with its raging tides, but I’m scared to go to the shores of it.

Strangely, I feel, strangely.

Strangely, I feel, strangely.

Transition between child and adult is so confusing. On one hand I feel young and vibrant, on the other I feel old and stuck in a rut.

And I wonder why I feel so strangely.