I don’t know why I even bother asking - I mean I don’t know if anyone out there reads this. It would be nice to know if anyone does, but I’m doing this more to get my thoughts down somewhere than for anything else.
Last weekend at the Gathering Seth spoke about knowing our past. He meant it as a call to know our corporate history as a church, but it has gotten me thinking about my past personally. I have really been struggling with issues of my past for the last few weeks. It seems that no matter where I turn I find another reminder of where I have failed or fallen short. I can’t even do my shopping online because I find myself feeling this vague feeling of hate towards myself when I see all the skinny girls in the ads. As I took a bath today I found myself thinking “My skin can’t forget what my mind doesn’t want to remember.” I’m sick of looking at my scars. I know I made poor decisions, but I want to not have the constant reminders of them. Sure, physical scars fade, but they don’t disappear. When I go out in the sun the contrast between the scars and my other skin gets more and more noticeable. Maybe my fears of my scars being revealed is one of the reasons why I am so afraid to get into any sort of relationship with a guy.
Wow, I feel better getting these thoughts down somewhere.
If any one out there reads this, do you have any words of encouragement?
