I’m sitting here at almost two in the morning, finishing up a lunch of PB&J and soy milk, listening to the prayer room webcast, and thinking.
I actually made it to Sunday morning church and lunch with my friends before falling asleep until almost midnight. At church I saw Katie (Haston) Beyer and talked to her for a few minutes before she and Steven had to run off. She wanted to know what I’m up to and if I’m headed back up to IHOP again. It was with crazy mixed emotions and tears in my eyes that I told her I’m working and raising money to go back to KCMO. I couldn’t believe it when she said she was proud of me. I was thinking “proud of what?” but then I thought about where I was when I was in her cell group. (I miss that group of 20 or so who would get together on Friday nights and just talk about Jesus.) Back then I was totally wrapped up in a ton of horrible things - and was angry and negative to boot. I guess I have come a long way. I really smile now and I’m honest about what I’m feeling for the most part. Geeze, three years ago I don’t think I could have even admitted how angry and negative I was at the time.
The closer it gets to be time to go back, the weirder my emotions are getting. It feels kind of final this time. It feels like I’m wrapping my life up and ending a chapter. I don’t want to leave, but I don’t want to stay, but I want to go, but I don’t want to take this journey. (Wow, talk about stream of consciousness.) I’m a completely different person than I was this time a year ago, and I kinda miss the old girl, but I don’t miss her at all.
The close I get to going back, the more the Lord has been speaking to me about trusting Him - about seeking Him in the storm and making Him the first priority in my life. It’s so hard for me to lean on the Lord because I have leaned on my own understanding for so long. I just want to do it in my own power, but I can’t do that now can I? This thing deep within my heart is so much bigger than me. I can’t do this on my own, and I can’t lean on anyone else, so that means that I have to lean on the Lord.
Filed under: Uncategorized
I was laying in bed this morning and trying to catch a nap before church when I found that I couldn’t sleep.
Over my tv sits a picture of two of my closest friends from high school - Erin and Josh - on the night we got our senior rings. I was thinking about how I haven’t seen them in awhile and then realized that we didn’t have our Christmas/New Year’s party this year. That is the first time in 10 years. Another tradition has bit the dust and my heart is burning from the heat of the fire that the smoldering ruins give off. How much I used to look forward to that party. No matter how far away we were or what we were doing - that party was the highlight of the holidays. We would put aside visiting family and busy schedules and for a few hours just enjoy each other. Once we turned 21 we would have a drink and toast the coming year, before that it would be the same routine, but with sparkling grape juice.
Now we have all gone our seperate directions. We have become men and women. Two of the group - Esther and Jennifer - are parents. Some live in different states - Emily F., Cayla, and Christina. Some are in relationships - Erin and Josh. Some have finished college - Erin and me. We all have changed drastically. We all have somehow drifted apart. And I feel all the more saddened by it.
I have “new” friends. I have “new” passions. I’m no longer the girl I was - and thank goodness. I’ve grown up. I’ve changed the path I was walking. I’m learning to trust the Lord more than ever before, but I find myself longing for the companionship of days of old.
And I find myself wondering if I’m the only one that is missing the traditions of their high school days/college days?
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I have taken to going to Walmart every morning at 2 am during lunch and getting one or two Nakeds for lunch for me and another one for Jennifer. Last night I went and got one for Wilda (my supervisor), Jennifer and myself. In addition to the fruit drinks I got some Krispy Kreme donuts - the chocolate frosted, kreme filled kind - because I had a severe sweet tooth. So I’m sitting and talking to Jennifer and Harrison while drinking a nice, healthy mango Naked and eatting three of the evil donuts. Harrison just looked at me and goes “Now thats a contradiction - fruit smoothie and chocolate donuts.” and all I could say was ” I was writing the other day and made the observation that I can be a mess of contradictions, I guess I proved myself right.”
We all got a laugh out of it.
Now I’m wanting one of those yummy eclairs from Holts. The “great and terrible” kind. Mmmmm… eclairs….
Another funny thought. At the Gathering Friday night Georgia asked a couple people to talk about the faithfulnes of God. Adam started talking and the first words out of his mouth were “When I think about the faithfulness of God, I think about Homer.” We all started laughing. After the akward pause he goes “Well, it sounds like I’ve been watching the Simpsons - I ment to say like Hosea and Gomer.” We all lost it.
Random thoughts before heading to work. Time to finish getting ready. I need to jet soon.
Filed under: Uncategorized
I’ve been thinking the last few nights at work. (Big surprise, huh?) What have I been thinking about? Well, about how alone I’ve felt for the past couple months - but not really feeling alone at all.
Ever since switching back to nights I haven’t had much time at all with my friends. Its hard when my day is their night, and my night is their day. I really have been hungry for companionship from them, but the inability to have that time of fellowship has not frustrated me much. I’ve been more frustrated at not being able to make it to church than I have been about being social. My friends here are on days, my friends in KC are on NightWatch but have a different type of schedule than I have. I’ve enjoyed having a couple nights a week where I sit in my room and just soak in the worship from the prayer room. (gotta love the webcast.) I can’t stand that I don’t burn much of my energy off because there is nothing to do at night in my city and my room doesn’t have any good pacing space.
I have this overwhelming feeling of being frustrated and being content at the same time. My flesh is like “I CAN’T STAND THIS!!!!” and my heart is like “It’s all OK, God is taking care of everything, be patient.” Such a strange, I think the word is, dicotamy. Two entirely diferent feelings co-existing and being completely and totally true - or is that a paradox. I’m not sure what the right word to describe this would be, but it sure is how I feel.
This is the song I’ve had in my head this morning. It’s called “Be Still My Soul.” When Mer-Mer would ride in my car during the Verticle Pursuit internship she would always change my CD player to this song and set it to repeat. We could drive for hours listening to this one song over and over and over again. So many hours of fun spent in my car driving. To think we wouldn’t have had such an amazing friendship had first year interns (it was a two year program) been allowed to have cars.
1. Be still, my soul: the Lord is on your side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
leave to your God to order and provide;
in every change God faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: your best, your heavenly friend
through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
2. Be still, my soul: your God will undertake
to guide the future, as in ages past.
Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake;
all now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
the Christ who ruled them while he dwelt below.
3. Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
when we shall be forever with the Lord,
when disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past,
all safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Last night at work was slow. And thank goodness for that. I think I took 12 calls in my 10 hours on the phone. That’s not many calls at all. It gave me a lot of time to think. I spent more of it thinking than I probably should have - because I didn’t complete any of my training drills for phone repair. Oh well, I’ll work on them tommorrow - esp the ones that I have to put numbers into SPICE. (That means absolutely nothing to anyone at all who could be reading this out there.)
Speaking of work… does anyone know where Tasha has been? Did the doctor put her on bed rest because of the difficult pregnancy?
I’m pleasantly happy today. I’m tired and have a million worries that I’ve thought about in the last several hours, but I’m happy none-the-less.
Well, time to get some rest. I didn’t get to go see Lacy and Silas in the afternoon. I want to see them now that they are back in town, so I want to get some sleep soon so I can go visit. The good thing is that they will be living near where I work for the next few days until they settle in to the new trailer.
Good night… see everyone tomorrow… err… thats really today for those day time people out there.
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I finally got tired of being plane ole tired. This latent exhaustion has been part of my life for the past three or four weeks - that kind of tired that you just can’t sleep. I finally broke down and took some Benadryl. I took one children’s Benadryl at about 130 and slept till about 730, then I took another one about 800 and slept till 500. I’m actually waking up with energy for the first time in weeks and watching the news before I get ready for work.
The weather is gross right now. We have gone from wonderful 60 and 70 degree days, to freezing weather. Yesterday they shut the interstates down because of the promise of freezing rain. Nothing came from it, but it was annoying to have to find different ways to get places last night.
I think I’m going to sign off now and get ready for work. I want to drop by and see Lacy and Silas before work. I haven’t seen her since before Christmas and I’m sure Silas has changed a lot in the last month. (Aren’t babies like that though?)
Filed under: drums of thunder
An old mentor from high school youth group (from Word of Life - boy does that feel like ages ago) asked me to work at a ministry event that Kenshire Ministries is putting on. Not knowing what I was getting myself into, but trusting Deb, I said yes. Tonight was a strategic meeting with the even only 11 days away. I’ve been aside to “selling product” and possible will be pulled to either be an intercessor or an usher. Personally I would like to be an intercessor if they are going to pull me from the tables, but I’ll trust the Lord as to what exactly I will be doing. This is a dynamic event and the plans are “starting to solidify, but are still changing daily.”
What is Drums of Thunder? Its a percussion production geared toward youth and First Nations people. We are going to honor the Caddo Tribe on that night. That ought to be powerful. The Caddo Tribe is the lowest of the low when it comes to native groups. We are also going to gear our ministry and prayers towards the youth and young adults.
People are flying in from as far away as New Jersey, Minnesota, Kansas, California, New York, Montana, and other states - just because they heard about Drums of Thunder from somewhere random.
As Ken was explaining the night to those of us who are “new to the crew” I just felt the Holy Spirit. I couldn’t help it, I was rocking back and forth, unable to sit still. I’m not doing justice to what was said, but hopefully I can get the point acrosss. The ministry team for the night is Broken Walls - a First Nations percussion group. The place where it is being help was the location of a Billy Sunday (?) revival in the 1920s that had 8000 people a night at it, and it shut down the bars in town for a couple months. What a cool history. I would have never guessed that the location of the Municipal was the place of a revival.
So, if you’re in Shreveport. Show up by 700 on Saturday the 27 of January at the Municipal downtown. If you want to do something to help out - we need ushers and people to run merchandise tables. If you’re not in Shreveport, please pray for this event.
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I’m finding myself feeling increasingly frustrated here at home. I guess its just my frustration with wanting to be out of my parents house. I’m 23 for crying out loud. I want out of the house. I want to follow my own course in life. Its so strange how life is turning out lately. I found myself reading a dear friend of mine’s blog and all I could think was “That’s how I feel.” She was talking about how life takes some crazy dips and turns, and in the end its all OK when the focus of your life is Jesus.
I’ve been thinking about Proverbs 3 this week. Specifically I’ve been thinking about the part where it says to fully rely on the Lord and lean not on your own understanding. Amanda S. pointed that one out to me this week and it sure has mean a lot to me. I don’t inderstand how the Lord is going to move me to where He wants me to be, but I know that if I do my part, He will do His part.
So…
I’m frustrated with being at home. I’m frustrated with not knowing how the Lord is going to do things. I’m not frustrated because I know the Lord has things in control.
Oh, I’m a mess of contradictions today, but thats ok. I can’t be too hard on myself. That would get me absolutely nowhere. My mess of contradictions is just pushing me further and further into the Father. I realise my need for His loving embrace.
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I haven’t seen this time of day in quite a while - not since the day we drove home from the onething conference. I didn’t sleep well this morning and I thought my family wasn’t going out to eat till 5 so I didn’t really worry about it. Plans changed. Mom knocked on my door and told me we were eatting at 3. So awake i am, waiting for my clothes to wash and dry…
… onto something different.
Sometimes it feels like time is breathing down my neck. I no more than get comfortable with an idea, than all of a sudden everything changes. I think I’ve written this before, but it feels like when I close my eyes the world is rushing forward and I’m moving two steps back.
I’m trying to wrap things up at home now. I’m looking at leaving my two weeks notice in less than 2 months. I’m fundraising for IHOP again. I have a grand total of nothing, but I know the Lord will provide. (Last time God provided all the money, and then some, last minute.) Next week I’m planning on cleaning out my room - getting rid of stuff I don’t use, organizing, washing massive amounts of clothes, vaccuuming, etc. After that I have so much more to do, and this time I know its going to take some time to get everything done, but I won’t bore you with all of that stuff.
It feels weird to once again anticipate wrapping up my life here and transplanting it to a whole other state. This will be move #3 in one calender year. (To Kansas City, from Kansas City to Shreveport, and - soon - from Shreveport to Kansas City again.) Will it be for longer than three months this time? I think it may. I am looking at a grad school program up there right now. Maybe at Mid American Nazarene on the Kansas side of the city.
I’ve grown a lot in the last ten months even. I’ve learned more about myself and who I am in the Lord. I’ve learned I can work longer, pray longer, play harder, sleep less, serve more and accomplish more than I EVER thought possible. I’ve realized how important things like family and friendship are to me. I can’t even put it into words really. All I know is that I am a different person now than I was at this time last year. There’s a calmness in my eyes when I look in the mirror. There is a change in how I carry myself - my back is straighter and my head is higher. I dance more, sing more, just chill and be myself more. I’m less afraid of silence and more likely to laugh.
What a journey it has been to get here. Literally and figuratively. Now I have 1,300 more miles on my car, and a zillion more miles on my heart. I have known laughter and tears, pain and sorrow, joy and esctacy. I have seen late nights, early mornings, sunshinny afternoons and rain filled evenings. I’ve learned what it means to fast and pray - and felt the agony that occurs when you don’t do those things. I’ve encountered the God of beauty and seen my own depravity - two things that are always becoming more and more aparent to me. I’ve learned to draw and rediscovered my love for writing poetry.
Well, I guess I better sign off. I need to get ready for lunch. We are going to Copeland’s - one of my favorite places to go for a treat. Yummy…
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My cell phone died last night and I lost my charger somewhere so I couldn’t check my messages until this evening when I went to work. I had like 4 messages on my voicemail. Quick “Hello”s and “I love you”s that just made me feel so good on the inside. But, I will be very honest. I was feeling kinda down on the inside. For those that don’t know, I’ve really been wrestling with some things lately, and it’s kinda had me down.
Well, the last message on my voicemail was different. It was one of my friends from FITN. She didn’t even say her name or anything, but I recognized her voice. Her tone was urgent in the message. A quick - “I was praying today and I really have something I would like to pray with you about.” Needless to say, I was calling her back within 30 seconds, because she never leaves messages like that.
Let’s put it this way - she read my mail. As soon as she picked up the phone she said hello and quickly asked the Lord for guidance to say things correctly - then she started reading my mail outloud to me. (If you’ve never had your mail read by a friend who is an intercessor - it can be a crazy experience, trust me.) I had to pull over at the church to finish the conversation with her because I was so close to tears. The words she spoke to me both convicted me and encouraged me. That is true prophesy - to speak the words of the Lord to someone so that they are both covicted and encouraged by those words. And I truly believe her words were from the Lord, birthed from hours of prayer.
Well, just a snap shot of what was an otherwise ordinary day.
