Pick up a roadmap, you’re going to need it…

1. reply with your name and i will write something i like about you.
2. i will then tell what song reminds me of you.
3. if i were to apply an o’clock to you, i’ll tell you what it would be.
4. i will try to name a single word that best describes you.
5. i’ll tell you the most memorable moment i’ve had with you.
6. i will tell you what color you remind me of.
7. i’ll then tell you something that i’ve always wondered about you.
8. put this in your journal.

Luke 7:47 Therefore I say to you, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven,
for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, he loves little.

This verse has been on my mind for a day or so. I was working on a project for a friend - and as part of the project I was choosing 45 different Bible verses that mean something to me - and this verse was one of the last few I looked up. It’s just been echoing in my head.

On my 23 birthday, Renee asked me what the testimony of my life is - that is, if I could sum it up in one phrase, how would I describe the biggest lesson the Lord has taught me?

I chose “God forgives.”

Oh boy, does God forgive. I look at where I’ve been, where I am now, and where I’m going - and the thing that stands out is the forgiveness given me, and the love that overflows in my heart because of that forgiveness.

During my time in track one of FITN, there was a huge grace on my life that I didn’t have to deal with my troubles with self injury. It was an amazing season of freedom for me in this area. I grew more aware of my own sense of style, I started caring about how I appeared, I started liking what I saw in the mirror - in general I felt free to be myself for the first time in my life. I spent many nights in the prayer room meditating on the love of God, the forgiveness He offers me, the love that I have for Him - and in turn for others - because of that forgiveness.

I made the painful decision to come home after the track. For about a week I coasted on that “high” left over from the time in the prayer room, and then I started working and all that jazz. About two weeks into training I started feeling that stress again - that itching feeling under my skin that just says “deal with your stress this way.”

As I sat on my bed, crying because I slipped and fell, I watched the thin red welts form and felt the shame I brought upon myself. My mind raced, my spirit grieved. And in the midst of the pain - love, forgiveness and love.

Daddy, forgive me.

Go and sin no more.

And this love welled up inside me. The shame of my self imposed pain faded into the background.

Since then I have had trouble judging people, keeping harsh feelings toward people. There are so many times that I know that I have been wronged since then, but when I try to hold a grudge - to withhold forgiveness - this nagging feeling of “I’ve been forgiven so much, how can I not love and forgive?” overwhelms me. I love to show love through giving gifts, or just giving my time, but truthfully - the love in my heart comes from a deep down knowledge that He loves me, and in His love, He forgives me.

… this time it has literally made me sick. I should be on my way to Tanya’s house for cell group, but no, I’m instead laying in bed, watching “Who Wants to be Millionaire?” and regretting the coffee I drank earlier today. My tummy is killing me. I think I’m going to nap a little and drink some Naked juice (strawberry banana)- and hopefully I’ll feel better.

Will people please remind me how horrible I feel when I nap at night and stay awake all day next time I mention that I’m planning on doing that type of thing?

And to think this all started this time because I was a good girl and went to church to sing with the choir Sunday morning. D’Jenielle begged me to come and sing any morning that I possibly can before heading back to IHOP in four weeks. So I stayed up because I had that call that went really really late and sang. Then I got up and went to Mrs. Benson’s funeral and hung out at Lacy’s later. Then today I Liz around noon for coffee (decaff of course) and shopping (I bought new - cute - clothes for FITN) between her private lessons at Centenary and her going to get lessons done for school next week. Even though I have napped all afternoon - I still feel gross.

I need to get this sleep schedule semi-regulated tonight because I have 8 days in a row at work starting tomorrow night. I also need to meet with Laura tomorrow. I tried to catch up with her today, but she was meeting with Deb.

Maybe another hour of sleep will sort this out for me…

… yucky tummy needs to go away.

I woke up from my 11 hours of sleep feeling pretty good. That was some seriously needed rest. Talked to my mom for a few minutes and then checked e-mail and myspace. That’s when I got the news about Mrs. Benson. She passed away this week and her funeral is tomorrow morning. I can’t really explain why this is hitting me so hard. She was my 11th grade Algebra II Honors teacher. I cried many a night over homework for that class - and pulled my first all nighter on that group project she required. But she taught me that I could DO MATH. That was probably one of the most important lessons I learned that drastically changed my mindsets and made math one of my favorite subjects to teach.

Even though I just woke up, I’ll be taking a Benadryl soon so I can get up in the morning and go to the funeral. I’ve got to be up by 8:00 to get ready and out the door and be at Hill Crest by 10.

Last day of the work week. After tonight’s work me and my pillow have a date for an undetermined block of time. (It’s going to be more than the 6 hours I’ve gotten lately.) I will sleep till I wake up, tune into the prayer room for a few hours, maybe read some or watch some TV - a glorious night off. I’m not doing any overtime this week. I can’t and keep my sanity next week and work overtime. I’m sorry, but 8 shifts in a row are too much. I’m just glad I’m not one of the guys on my shift. He’s scheduled for 23 hours straight at shift swap next weekend - and they expect him to work it ALL. (He’s changing both from nights to days AND from the last half of the week to the first half. I couldn’t do it.)

I hope I stay awake tonight…

This morning I was doing the usual thing - read blogs, check email, and do a few other things before bed when I came across one of my friend’s from high school’s face book. Two quotes on it really made my heart ache. She’s been on my mind off and on for the last few months. For some back ground info. This was the girl who got me involved in the church when I gave my heart to the Lord and accepted Christ. She was the one who prayed with me. She was with me when I received my prayer language. Her quotes remind me of the reality of the times we are living in.

She was kooky, but she was there for me in the beginning stages of growing in the Lord.

The first quote that got me on her blog was as follows: “Jesus, protect me from your followers.”

The second quote was as follows (with some edits to respect her privacy and clean up some language):

Those who knew me from [our high school] can tell you I was nothing less than a kooky religious nut. Those from [the college we both attended] can tell you that I was a kind, deeply religious, naive girl. People from [her second college] will tell you what they know or what others have told them.
But no one asks me!
So here I go:I am an infidel. I love sushi. I hate liars. I write for writing sake…and I have a big [...] mouth.
So big that i am going to have my own podcast.

This girl pushed me towards righteousness. She pushed me toward encounter with eternity. She led many as a worship leader, was a Bible study leader, preached a testimony of deliverance and healing… and now her life is so different, her heart is so different. She has been openly hostile with me about chasing after God. She openly preaches against Christianity, the stand for LIFE, anything that has to do with Jesus, etc.

And the change happened in the matter of months. One month she was an active youth leader in our old youth group. Six months later she had moved, changed colleges, got involved in what she described as “a cult,” and then turned her back on Jesus.

I remember that night a few years back when she told me she renounced her belief in Jesus. All I could reply with was the question “why?” and walked away from the phone conversation with a broken heart and tears running down my face. In no way could I describe myself as chasing after God at that particular time, in fact, I could best be described as living in rebellion at that time. But still my heart knew the truth - and I knew she was walking away from the answer to her problems.

Folks, the great apostasy is real. Those who are not truly rooted and grounded in the love of God will fall away. Shall we not be surprised when leaders fall? when tempers flare? when the hidden places of hearts become apparent for all to see?

If the great apostasy is real, then the end times are real. Is my heart ready? Am I living each moment as a stepping stone into eternity? Am I living my life in such a way to leave a legacy of life behind me? Yes, many amazing things will happen in the end days - the church will walk in authority and power - but that day is both GREAT AND TERRIBLE. Power and authority given to God’s people and a level of evil that has never been seen, both coexisting until the coming of the Lord.

This is just the beginning.

Lord, help me to not fall, for I am weak and cannot do it on my own. My only hope to stand is to be rooted in You. Root me and ground me in your love. My heart aches for your return. Let me not become jaded and disillusioned. Show me who you are. Make yourself real to me. I love you, Jesus. Come, Lord Jesus, come.

I almost sobbed the entire way home from work. I’m so tired and I feel that I have bitten off more than I can chew in the next few weeks. I have 4.5 weeks until I leave for KC again. My schedule is so messed up at work for next month. I have to work 8 days in a row - one 6 hour shift, two 12 hour shifts, one 14 hour shift and four 9 hour shifts. I just don’t think I can do it. I think if I come into work one more time and my TL rips into me about my “poor performance” I’m going to quit on the spot. I can’t take it. I used to love this job - I’m getting to the point of hating it. HATING it. My numbers are climbing, but I’m getting told how horrible of a job I’m doing. It doesn’t make sense. Can someone explain this to me?

I have no time to go to church right now. I have no time with other believers in corporate worship or prayer. I need it so bad. I feel so, so, so… I don’t know - confused maybe, but tired for sure. A spiritual, deep down, bone weary tired. The kind of tired I get when I don’t have good fellowship with those I love.

I know I have to lean on the Lord right now. So I’m trying to remember to lean into Him. But I feel so discouraged.

Prayers are definately needed for this crazy transition season of my life.

Any words of advice anyone?

I’m going to go to sleep now. Gotta go to work tonight, no matter how much I don’t want to go.

I came to a painful realization last night: that I recently have come to dread going to work. I was thinking and realizing that I haven’t done much overtime in the last month and a half - really since onething. I used to go to work with a smile on my face, and come home with a tired smile on my face. I used to do 14 hours days and not think a thing about it. Now I dread going in to do my 12 hour shifts. I always feel the need to get off the grounds at my lunch period. My adherence is suffering. How did this come around?

The only huge difference that I can think of is my TL has changed and I feel that I can do no right in his eyes. I come into work and the first thing he says to me (before hello even) is some correction or rebuke about the week before. I got absolutely livid one night and wasn’t able to get on the phone on time because of my tears after he riled into me for the third night in a row for a call I took three weeks before - and wouldn’t give me any feedback on how to handle a situation like that if something should happen again.

Not to mention, I wasn’t at work to defend myself and now I am stuck as the “wireless specialist” at work. Great, a third job and I’m only getting paid for one.

That was a much needed rant. Thanks for listening.

I finally woke up for the day (er… night for you daytime people) at 7:30. That officially makes me a bum. Now all I’ve done is put some color on my hair and ate some lasagna. I’ve got to wash the color out in a moment and then finish some training stuff that’s due at the beginning of my shift tonight. Yes, I am a bum. But I’m a bum with no grey hair.

Note to self: even if you have 5 days off in a row, don’t go to days for those 5 days if you have to be back at work at 1 in the morning on the sixth day.

Addendum: The hair color didn’t work very well. Now instead of grey roots I have red roots. I think new box of hair color will be calling my name in a few days. And this time it will be a different color.

Yesterday I got to spend some time with Lacy and Silas. When I look at that little boy I am reminded of God’s amazing power. He’s almost four months old now and so full of joy. I’ve barely seen him cry - and if he has cried its been because he’s hungry or tired. Lacy is such a good mom, and a brave one to do this all on her own. Her goal is to raise her son to love the Lord. He already loves worship music - and music in general - and will cry when they are in the truck and the music stops.

I know I’m not Silas’s aunt by blood, but Lacy keeps calling me “Aunt Emily” or “Auntie Emily” to him. I love that little boy. He makes me laugh - and I do the same to him if I hold him upside down.

Lacy is doing remarkably well for doing this on her own. She just moved into her own trailer in the last few weeks. Her job as manager of June and Murray’s RV park came with a trailer. She’s asking for and receiving the help she needs and is trusting the Lord for everything.

They serve as an inspiration to me.