Pick up a roadmap, you’re going to need it…

I’m laying here right at noon, staring at my ceiling and knowing that I should be asleep. Outside my room I can hear my brother getting ready for his day. I feel like I’ve wasted my 2 days off – a way too common occurrence lately – even though some wonderful things have happened this weekend. I got to see Lacy and Silas Paul. He’s getting so big – 5 1/2 months old now – and he sure brings so much joy to his mom. Heck, he brings a ton of joy to me and I’m only “Auntie.” I was teasing Lacy that I have non-Mom privileges, meaning that I can spoil him and give him back. To tell the truth though, I’m looking forward to him getting a little older so I can hang out with her with out him around – no matter how much I love Silas, I really want some time with Lacy and only Lacy.

Maybe its just me being greedy, but I really miss the time that Lacy and I used to share when we would sit for hours doing crafts and talking about the Lord. Now our visits are usually confined to very limited amounts of time and our conversations inevitably turn to her son and her being a mom. Maybe its because I can’t identify with this position she holds now – I’ve always identified with her as a Christian, a daughter, a “artsy” person, etc., but now she has this new identity that I just can’t understand. I’m not there with her. I can’t say that I’m a single mom – or a mom at all – and its strangely uncomfortable. My heart is so happy for her, but I can’t get past this funny feeling that I quite express.

I think I just needed to get these thoughts down where I could read them. I realize I’m being selfish – and essentially self serving, but this entire thing is reminding me just how fast everyone is growing up now. It’s a pretty painful thing to realize that we are no longer as young as we once were. I remember when 18 seemed so far in the future – and now I’m 17 days away from being 24. I’m almost not a young adult. 

 Around me my friends are getting married, having children, moving far away and settling down. Last time I saw one of my friends from college she was talking about adopting with her husband (she is unable to carry a child). In four days my childhood best friend is getting married and I can’t even go to the wedding.  I can count several friends from high school/college who have children how – a few of them have more than one.

And to tell the truth, I’m kinda of jealous. I know there is a lot of healing left to happen in my heart before I will be ready to have a meaningful relationship with a guy - and its safe to say that this is the first time in years that I have really wanted a relationship. It’s really quite a painful thing to go through. I guess that I’ve always equated marriage with a certain level of happiness. I know that’s not true, but its been true in my head for some reason. But I’m also strangely growing into a comfortable place where I’m learning to trust God with the secret places of my heart – with my desire for love and affection – and I know I need to continue to grow into that place. He is the only one who can perfectly cradle my heart in the palm of His hand.

Well, another glance into the extremely personal crevices of my mind…