It is late and I should be sleeping. I have much to do tomorrow during the daylight hours and my body is most definitely back on nights. The evening has worn me out though. A couple hours of soccer with friends will do that too you. I was laughing earlier, but at this time tears are fighting their way valiantly down my cheeks.
This is one of those nights that I need to be brutally honest - read it if you want, or don’t read it; respond if you wish, or just leave me to my musings. It doesn’t matter to me what you do, please just understand that I need to get all these things out. I apologize in advance for what I am sure will be a long and rambling post.
The last few days have been full of reminiscences. I had a ten hour drive and no one to share it with both Monday and Thursday. That sure does leave a mind with lots of time to think. This last week has been one of thinking about my priorities in life - my dreams and wishes, and if my heart is really open to following the Lord’s leading. I feel I am in tandem. I want to move forward with my life, but I feel I must deal with some things from my past to do so.
Today while we were playing soccer I sat out the last match because it was getting too dark for me to see well enough to be comfortable. Holly walked up behind me and sat down on the blanket next to mine. For a moment - just one tiny moment - my heart leaped into my chest and all I thought was “Tiffany! I’ve missed you.” Then after that half second of joy, there was the deep gut wrenching pain of realization. Tiffany is gone. She has been for now 6 years. Her son is a beautiful little one with her blue eyes and a reddish tint to his hair. I don’t know if it was the color of Holly’s hair, or just her posture sitting in the last dieing rays of sunlight, but something made me think she was Tiff for just a moment. I miss my cousin, after all these years I still miss her. I still wish I could make myself go out to her grave, but I can’t. Not yet at least.
Grief is hitting me at last for my dear cousin. I think I’ve been fighting it since I was 18. Maybe not fighting it, maybe I was covering it up under layers and layers of pain and heartache that I wouldn’t admit were there.
And it’s not just grief for her. It is grief for the loss of friends and friendships. It is grief for a loss of innocence. It is a grief that wells up from deep inside and fights its way out of me through tears and poetry and art. It is a grief that grips my heart in the middle of my happiest moments and shatters all pretenses of my having everything all together.
So tonight I am thankful for the evening of laughter that I shared with my friends but I also am embracing my tears. Tonight I let myself cry. In crying I find myself feeling secure in the arms of my God. He knows my pain and He will ease it. Tonight I call on the name of Jesus. I know no other name that can wipe away the pain. I know no other man that has conquered death. I don’t understand this grief. I don’t understand how it can stay so unnoticeable for so long just to rear its head at me again now, but for now I will embrace it. In these dark hours of the morning I will just let my heart be as it wishes to be.
