Pick up a roadmap, you’re going to need it…

I have all my boxes packed.

I have a place rented to live in for the next 9 months.

I have said goodbye to family and friends.

I have a wonderful going away dinner at 4 Winds tonight with my folks planned.

I’m excited and scared all at the same time.

My life is packed away into about 15 boxes and 2 wardrobes - I’ve never seen everything I own condensed down that little space.

A friend’s family is giving me a bed frame and mattresses to take with to KC. I feel so incredibly blessed. This takes a huge financial burden off of my back.

Pieces are falling in place quickly - praise God.

These are both from tonight with my friends after the Gathering.

“I have a heavy cell phone. It’s weighted because its a pebble.” - Holly

“If you’re going to put stupid stuff in these, at least make it educational. Something like ‘Stop eatting these things, they are the reason why everyone is obese.’” - Ginger talking about fortune cookies

My singles group gets together every Sunday night for soccer. Last Sunday it got a little crazy. Motorcyle + Liz + Ginger + Byron + photoshop = some crazy stuff.

Here’s the original picture:

Here’s what it looks like after Byron photoshopped it:

I feel like I’m leaving something precious here in Louisiana and the next time I come home it won’t really be home. I feel like it won’t be the same place that I left. I feel that I’m truly saying goodbye to some people this week. Reality is hitting about my family and the medical situations they are in - my grandparents are getting older and my Grandpa is so sick with cancer, Aunt Barbara isn’t doing to well with the cancer and all, Mimi gets so tired so fast, etc.

I spent the afternoon with my 13 year old cousin, Brianna, yesterday. She’s growing up so fast. I can’t believe this year I won’t be seeing her chear at her middle school’s football games, or be here for her birthday come the spring, or be able to take her out for coffee except when I’m in for a short visit for the holidays. We went shopping and out for lunch - talking and laughing the whole time. I was shocked by how much, and how fast, she is growing up. She’s almost as tall as me now! And if her parents are any indication of her height - she’s going to be a few inches taller than me. The good thing is that she still doesn’t think that she is too cool to be seen with her cousin who is 11 years older than she is. I told her some embarassing stories about myself yesterday and it was so priceless - rarely have I seen her speachless and I got her a few times. I’ve decided that she is my shopping good luck charm because I found lots of good stuff on sale with her helping me. She understood exactly what I meant when I said I wanted to “dress like a teacher without looking like a teacher.” Low and behold I found a pair of slacks, a belt and two pairs of shoes with her help.

I’m getting to see one of my college friends before I leave and for that I am so excited. Mindi and I graduated from the teaching program at the same time and she has been pushing me to get a classroom of my own for the last year or so. I have only seen her 2 or 3 times since she got married I think, and I look forward to celebrating a new job (for me) and going to grad school (for her) with her. I can’t wait to hear what is new in her and Sean’s lives since I saw her last summer.

Ok, I need to go say goodbye to Grandma and Grandpa soon and I’m just wasting time on here. I think I’m putting off saying goodbye way too long. I also need to go out to Cliff and Debbie’s compound soon to say goodbye to them. My friends have to come to me to say goodbye - I am going to my family for all those goodbyes. Bellevue, LA here I come for the afternoon… 2 a.m. I am probably going to see you today…

Life is moving in fast forward right now. Between licensure paperwork and trying to get moved (and write a personal scope and sequence and see all my friends and make a trip to the zoo and everything else in general) life is crazy. I quit my job yesterday and it makes me both ecstatic and sad at the same time. I hated the job (working in a cubical farm is not for me), but I loved the people I worked with on the night shift and some of the people on the days. I also went to Adam’s going away party last night.

Adam’s going away party was so bittersweet last night. I showed up after a few people had left but Jason’s house was still packed. One of my childhood best friends was there. She shines with confidence and maturity now. The party was loud and silly, filled with laughter and games. I sat back quietly and realized how much I am going to miss all these wonderful people: Brian with his habit of telling rambling stories, Erin who can make me laugh like nothing else, Stacy with her wit, Amy with her ready smile, Amanda with her greetings of “hey, pretty lady” and general all around goofiness, Jason with his love of life, Holly with her funny quotes and serious insight, Eddy with our sign language conversations, Darren with his quiet confidence and sly smile, Markus with his practical jokes, Liz with her creativity, Georgia with her beautiful singing voice lifted in worship, Chelsea with her quest for adventure, Rox with his sweet heart, and the list goes on and on. I’m sure I’ve forgotten several people too…

Life is changing for all of us it seems. So many people are leaving Shreveport. Henry left before we could all say good-bye. Adam and I leave at the same time to move to Kansas City. Amanda leaves in a couple weeks for Florida to go to grad school. Ginger is going to college soon at McNeese. Erin is wanting to move to teach in Texas. Darren is getting deployed soon. Tyrone will be moving to KC in January hopefully. And the list goes on and on - we are all trying to grow up and move into where we need to be.

It’s strange to think that I’m supposedly an adult now. In a couple weeks I will be moving out of my house, starting a job that I’m really excited about, and living with roommates. It all feels surreal. I have hoped and prayed and agonized over this for the last 6 months and its all starting to come together - little puzzle pieces falling into place. The two years of waiting for my own class will be so worth it soon. I’ll be honest though, I’m afraid that I will fail. Last time I tried to teach I failed - I have no one else to blame. I didn’t want to put the work into the job and was content to let my departmentalized teacher do most the work for me. This time I can’t do that. I’m the first person ever to hold this position. I have a lot of expectations on me and that is scary. The principal is expecting a lot from me and I am expecting a lot from myself. I know I am capable of doing this job, and doing it well, but still that cold rock of fear has settled itself in my stomach and I’m so scared. I will just have to do this one day, one moment, at a time.

Found out last night that one of the other girls I may be rooming with is also a teacher - a middle school teacher - and that excites me so much. Someone else who will be going through some of the same struggles I will go through. From what the girl I’m renting from said, this girl is excited about the prospect of having another roommate who is a teacher. I need to get back in touch with H today and verify everything for the living arraingments - the price is fair and the house looks really nice.

Sorry, this is so rambling. I just needed to get all this out where I could read it. Believe it or not, you are seeing the edited version.

 I just woke up from a horrible dream - the kind where you wake up twisted in your blankets with tears pouring from your eyes. It definetly has me all shook up.

It was just strange and sickening. In it I was back in high school - but the people in my dream were from college and Kansas City. It felt real, even though I was asleep.

I don’t want to write any more so I’m not going to do it.

I wrote this huge entry - all poetic about how I feel about life right now - and then I realized that it is not at all what I want to say. Instead I will write something different - also about art and life. And I have been pondering posting it since having this conversation with someone this weekend and they encouraged me to do so.

There are two things that I really love about drawing: the release it gives me and the permanency.

Art is a release. I can sit and just put all my emotions on paper. There is no judgement there - just true raw emotions and reality. There I sit and I watch my thoughts pour from the end of a pen or a pencil.

Art is permanent. You can draw with a pencil and then erase it, but you can never one hundred percent get rid of the evidence of those pencil marks. The marks are permanent. You can cover them with other things, but the evidence is still there - you just have to look close. Eventually all the miss-placed marks, and the ones that you intend to be there, meld into one permanent work of art.

Why do I fight the people I respect the most? (I’ve always done it and don’t know why.)

Why do I feel I have to fight? (Even more important.)

Is it that… no I’m going to leave that question unasked for now because I am so busy asking it to myself and I need to take it to God, not man.

And how the crap did I end up owing the library over eighty dollars? (At least that one is easy - I checked the books out while in college and never returned them. At least I can get sixty bucks back if I find them and bring them back within the year…)

I got offered the job. I’m a computer teacher now. I will be back in Kansas City in 2 weeks exactly for orientation. My work year starts on the 15th.

Ohmigoodness!!! Is this for real?

On impulse tonight I stopped and bought ice cream. Not just any ice cream - a whole pint of Marble Slab cheesecake ice cream with mini chocolate chips. The entire time I was hoping and praying Mom would be sleeping on the couch tonight.*  I walk in the door to find Mom sitting on the couch watching TV. We sat in the quiet and shared part of that pint of ice cream - occasionally talking about things from our days - until I finally went to get ready for bed.

It was a sweet moment.

 *Dad snores and Mom is a light sleeper - you do the math.