*****Please bear with this till the end. A lot has been going on in the personal arena so I haven’t written in ages. If I don’t have something good - or at least focusing on God - to say, then I prefer to say nothing at all. This is an excerpt from my journal tonight as I prayed and asked the Lord for wisdom.*****

I can look at this situation I’m in and see the bad or I can see the good. Jesus told us in Matthew 5 “Blessed are you when theyrevile you and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you….” and somewhere else he tells us to pray for and bless those who hurt us.

Persecution hurts. I hate to say it, but I expect persecution - even being walked all over - from those outside the church. Its a real (proverbial) slap in the face when persecution comes from withing the church. If one instance of persecution inside the church is a slap, then I feel like I’m beat black and blue. I’ve turned the other cheek so many times I’ve got broken teeth.

But yet my heart brims with love for this person. I am angry to be sure. I want to strike back at them. I want to scream and tear into them, but I’m chosing to bless. I know its done roboticly right now, but I know it will come from the heart as I trust God and pray for God’s grace to fall on them.

I don’t have it in me to be negative. I have bigger battles to fight. I have better things to do than to slander another Christian. I can’t even understand why this is happening, but I can trust God will bring this to be for me good.

I’m sitting here, looking at my dirty house and feeling kind of let down emotionally. Liz was in town from Shreveport for a few days and left really early this morning. I loved being around her. We just hung out, went out to Westport, ate dinner with a bunch of my friends (twice), went to the prayer room, drank coffee, etc. for three days. It just felt so good to hang out with her for awhile. The highlight of the whole weekend was when she borrowed Amanda’s keyboard and played “Champion,” a worship song by a girl named Lindi at her church. I hope she can come back down here on her way home from Chicago.

Friendship is an amazing thing. How you can not see each other for months and pick right back up where you left off. It just feels so good - and it is so hard when that person leaves again.

I’m not usually homesick for Louisiana. In fact, I feel that Kansas City is home more than “home” is. I just get really homesick for the people. I love my friends and family. I hate my home town, most of the time.

Oh, there is so much going on in my heart right now. I want out of the emotional turmoil. Eeks…

I think its time to go think and pray.

I’ve really been in the process of processing a lot of things lately. So much has been on my mind. So many changes in so little time. So many questions asked and so much to think about. So many new people in my life. So many boundaries to explore and set into place. So much to lean on the Lord for in this time.

I’ve been in a lot of pain lately. I’ve been sitting in the healing chairs during the NightWatch. I really think I pinched my nerve in my hip a couple weeks back. I’ll be making an appointment at the chiropractor soon. Tiffany said she knew of one that is licensed and inexpensive. Needless to say, the pain I’m in has affected some of my interactions with people. It comes and goes, but it sure does hurt.

Pure Heart is bringing up a lot of my issues and forcing me to deal with them. This upcoming week we discuss femininity I think - I’m doing my homework tonight and tomorrow in the prayer room. I really do look forward to those three hours of teaching, prayer, and small group each Tuesday right now. Next fall I’m going to do another program with the same department. One of my roommates is seeing the effects of the class on me - she says I am putting up better boundaries around the house and that is awesome to hear from someone who isn’t in group with me.

I am struggling, but I’m asking for and receiving the help I need. It is such a slow process, but totally worth it in all its difficulty.

The transition to nights is hard on my body - I made it to about 2 in the prayer room last night and crashed around 3 at home. I feel the shift in all my daily patterns today. I wanted to be active but was so tired because of the sheer exhaustion of changing patterns. I’m sleepy now.

I think I’m going to go lay down for about half an hour before NightWatch Meeting and then head up to the Prayer Room to get my iPod back from Mickey (Michelle).

Life is good. In all its struggles it is good.

For the first time in almost two years I have packed my “Prayer Room Bag.” Its a backpack I bought the first week of Fire in the Night to carry things to and from the Prayer Room. It’s just part of me in that room.

I’ve packed my Bible, a note pad, pens, drawing pad, charcoals and pastels and calligraphy pens.

It feels so good to be going back to Nightwatch - even if it is a modified schedule and only for a few weeks.

I miss the nights so much. I think the transition may be hard on my body, but it will be worth it.

It feels good to be using the Prayer Room Bag instead of a purse right now…

OK, time to nap so this transition isn’t too rough on my body.

I just can’t leave this job gracefully - without tears.

This has been my life for 9 months.

I feel a little lost.

Thank goodness God has got this in control.

I don’t know what I would do without that  comfort.

Recently I sometimes feel that I have a fifth roommate - Christine has been spending so much time over at our house that it is crazy. Actually, it’s kinda nice. I enjoy having her around. I laugh (A LOT) with her around. Even with her eccentric appearance, I see a beautiful woman firmly rooted in God’s word. I sometimes feel she can see deeper into me than I even see - I find myself averting my eyes sometimes from her when she looks in my eyes for a long period of time. I don’t know what I’m afraid she’ll see in there. She’s already heard a lot of the crap that’s going on in there. I’m not even going to go into how she has blessed me with prayer and love…

Last night I came home from Pure Heart only to find Christine on the couch in the exact same position she was in when I left - minus her new dance shoes. This was after I’d been gone for over 3 hours.

When I woke up this morning she was asleep in another roommate’s room.

Hehehe… I like having her around. This “honorary roommate” thing is pretty cool.

I love people who are called to the lifestyle of an intercessory missionary. I need those people in my life. I need the people who sit in the prayer room and focus all their heart and energy on the Lord. I need to know that throughout the day someone is praying for me off and on. I need to know that I can bring my prayer requests to them and they will pray. I love knowing that through the night I have friends who lift my up in prayer by name and then ask me the next day what’s going on in my heart.

I need the intercessors in my life.

Something that has really been a struggle to me is finding my place at IHOP lately. I know that what I do - this working and supporting the intercessors - is important. I know this. I just don’t know where I fit in socially. I just have such a different world view (not better, not worse, just different) than the people who spend their lives in the prayer room. Sometimes its hard for me to relate to them.

But I need them, I need these people, these gifts from God in my life.

It amazed me last night as a new friend told me that she is amazed by people who find the thought of a career to be exciting - a call from God. All she has vision for is full time ministry. I think it was one of the first times that I spoke to someone on the base that truly could express their gratitude for those who support them - who didn’t give off any vibes of “I’m better than you” - and were truly humble about their calling.

I, on the other hand, can’t imagine a life of full time ministry that is not in the workforce. I can’t imagine a life outside the bubble of (pretty?) Christianity. Quite frankly, that’s boring to me. The sheer idea is boring. I wouldn’t mind teaching for the rest of my life in a Christian school or something like that, but I just can’t see myself not working.

And there are those of you who God calls to the mission field of prayer.

Oh, I need the intercessors. Each of us Martha type people need a Mary. It balances each other out, it creates a wonderful diversity within the body of the church.

Jenn S. asked an interesting question about finances over on her wordpress. I responded to her entry in a comment, got asked to comment back and realized I was writing a book. Here is my answer to her question for insight on my comment. (Wow, if that didn’t make you dizzy, I don’t know what will.)

I came to IHOP as a working person. My heart is tied to the prayer room and the community of believers here, but my heart would not be happy if I were to spend all my days in the prayer room. (In no way am I knocking people who do just that, I’m just stating the condition of my heart as previously stated here.) I love to work and I spend most of the hours of my life doing so, but I also take responsibility for my spiritual well being by being in the word, spending long-ish periods of time in prayer, fasting, and being in fellowship with like minded believers. I am tied so closely with the prayer movement - I’m just one of those people who know that in the deepest parts of my spiritual DNA that I was created to work on the mission field called life.

So on the money issue these are my thoughts:

I’m paying off a car and college loans; keeping my insurance up to date; and keeping a roof over my head. Oh yeah, gas is getting more and more expensive each month.

I don’t really have a family structure that I can call and say “Hey, the rent is due in a week and I just don’t have the money to pay it all, can you help?” Not that my folks wouldn’t help if they could, but its just not feasible for them. The weight of this responsibility falls on me. I am constantly asking God for wisdom in how to handle money. There hasn’t been one time yet that a bill hasn’t been paid - oh, its come close, but it hasn’t happened yet.

Add to that the fact that when I moved up here it was with a desire in my heart to support a certain number of people for a certain amount a month. When I haven’t done just that, God has gone to extreme measures to get my attention.

I wonder if it would be possible to do this without prayer and divine guidance.

No, it wouldn’t be possible.

I knew when I moved back that I would not be full time in the prayer room. I knew that I would work - and work hard. Money is important to me in the sense that I have to steward it well. I am no good to the people I support if I can’t care for myself. Realistically I have to plan my budget each month around what I KNOW I will have that month. Sometimes I get a little bit extra - great, that can be extra money to support people or even have a fun night out - but that isn’t a guaranteed thing each month.

In stewarding my money, first comes my commitments to God. That means that the first things out of my paycheck each month are my tithes, offerings and support checks. After that comes the fixed expenses (rent, utilities, money for gas and food, etc.) Then out comes my savings money. It’s not much, but 25 or 50 dollars a pay check adds up to a few hundred bucks a year.

The people I support are covered in prayer - if I can’t consistently pray for them, then I don’t’ support them - I ask that each person lets me know at least once a month how I can specifically be praying for them. I pray for a stronger support base or for the family member they are concerned about, or maybe they just ask me to pray the apostolic prayers for them. As I cover them in prayer the Lord leads me in any “extra” support money to send them. I’ve been surprised when the Lord tells me a certain amount to give, I panic because I don’t have that amount, the extra money comes in and then I give only to find out that that was the exact amount they needed that month. I also am sure to tell the people that I support that if they have an unexpected expense come up that they can always call and let me know. I may not be able to pay for the full amount, but if my NEEDS are met then I will do all I can to help with their needs.

My needs are their support money, the roof over my head, food on my table (for me and for others) and my bills paid. Beyond that the gas money can be stretched, coffee can be skipped, social events can be free or cheap instead of dinners out.

To do this I have two checking accounts that are linked so I can transfer money as needed. One is my spending account and the other is my savings account. The bulk of my expenses obviously comes from my spending account, but occasionally I have to spend some money from the other account. I won’t let my savings account drop below a certain level - the cost of premiums on my insurance and money for rent for one month. This way, if anything happens and my income goes down, I don’t have to panic about paying that deductible on my car if I get in an accident or paying that unexpected month of rent. I know big purchases come up from time to time - furniture, trips, new clothes (yes that one tends to be a big purchase for me) - I try to plan in advance for them and save. An extra 10 or 20 bucks in savings makes a huge difference when you want to go to a concert or something with friends.

I plan things like “fun money” or “time with friends money” into my budget. I may not always use all of it, but I put it in there. Plus if I don’t use it during one pay period - that means I have more to work with later. If I can do anything to help my friend, my comrade, out - that comes first before my fun. How can I have fun if I know I can help another and don’t do it? We are the family of God. We are to care for each other the best we can - be it finances or time, our gifts to each other are invaluable.

Living simply is so different for each person. For me I can define living simply by saying that I have everything I need and some of what I want. It isn’t depriving myself of the joy of extras, it is making sure the basics are there and what comes after those is up to the Lord. I love a good cup of coffee or a dinner out as much as the next person, but I also know that in order to pay my debts I must avoid doing those things to excess. A homemade dinner in can be more fun than going out. But maybe, just maybe, He has something different for my finances.

More than anything, when I make choices with finances, I cover those choices with prayer. In the natural my check book has never truly balanced out. But as I put God first, the finances fall in line. He gives such grace. He strengthens my faith by proving ever faithful. He gives me hope by promising that his righteous ones will never be found begging bread. He makes me smile as I watch the money come in super-naturally.

In the natural I know I should be very anxious right now. I don’t know where I’ll be working come this summer (only 2 and a half weeks away) or this next school year. I have a new friend who is looking up to me spiritually and I’ve taken on the job of teaching her some methods to make her time in the prayer room the most fruitful thing she can accomplish. I got a new roommate for my birthday - she is amazingly fun and all around amazing.

But. I’m. Not. Freaking. Out.

A few months ago - all of this at once would have had me really freaking out. Right now I’m just at the point tha tGod is the one who is going to do this for me. He is my source and strength. I keep finding myself repeating the same short prayers over and over.

“God, give me wisdom.”

“Lord, be my strength.”

“I can’t do this without you, Jesus.”

“God, I love you - show me how you love me.”

None of these prayers are very eloquent or very convincing in the natural. Oh but the cry of my heart is to know the Lord and to walk out his will.

I am weak.

I am tired.

But I have a God who fights for me, who dreams of me, who loves me.

So, for now I pray. I love. I teach. I give. I chose to be weak - I choose to be voluntarily weak and embrace the lifestyle Jesus taught on in the sermon on the mount. And for the first time in a long time - I’m enjoying this lifestyle. Its amazingly fun.

Each day is a day to savor and rejoice in.

Life with all its struggles and darkness is beautiful when put in the hands of the master potter.

This week I have been on two job interviews, had a new roommate move into my old room, had my birthday party, hunted down a set of mattresses for my new roommate, had my actual birthday day, stayed up till 1 in the morning on a work night - yes, it has been a long weekend. I covet your prayers right now. I’m being stretched further than I ever thought imaginable right now. Its highly stressful, but amazing. I can’t believe how God chooses to use weak human vessels.

I don’t feel like writing more because I have no energy because I was up so late last night, so I won’t.

God bless